8:30 - 1/2 Bagel (200), 1 TB whipped cream cheese (35) - [235]

9:05 - 1 cup plain Cheerios (110), 1/2 cup nonfat milk (45), bite of chicken mix (5) - 160 [395]

11:35 - 2 TB chicken mix (Costco canned chicken w/ tiny touch of light mayo & lots of pepper) (100), 1 slice Oatnut bread (100), 1 cup nonfat milk (300) - 300 [695]

1:45 -  Whole wheat spaghetti, marinara w/ diced tomatoes & portobello mushrooms, 1 TB parm cheese - 400 (1095)

4:00 - Pria bar - 110 (1205)

8:00 - Honey Bunches of Oats & 1/2 cup milk - 200 (1405)

10:30 - BBQ Ranch Chicken Nugget Salad; same as before but with 2 eggs and double bacon and no walnuts - 840 (2245)

11:00 - M & M's, 1 serving - 220 (2445)

Just because I'm seeking to be led by the Spirit and not idolize food doesn't mean I don't still struggle with some level of obsessing over it.  A few main things:

1 ) Not feeling like I have to finish something.  Last night the onions in our salad were way strong, yet I struggled to push some of them to the side.  I know how crazy this is, yet I still struggle with it.

2 ) Not taking bites as I make something.  I developed a horrible habit of taking bits and bites of things as I made meals, and the sad thing is that usually I took it from my husband's portion.  This is shameful and embarrassing to admit, but I say I was cutting up the chicken nuggets for our salad-- I'd eat a cut piece or two from the ones I cut up for him, but never from my own.  Ultimate selfish and piggy habit!  But I can say that for 2 days now I have not only not eaten any of my husband's portion but I haven't eaten any bites of the meal before it's time to actually eat!

3)  Not eating every last possible drop.  I've been known not just to lick my plate (not always, but I have done it) but to use my fingers to scoop out every last bit of food.  For example, say we make something like mashed potatoes- I will run my fingers over the sides of the bowl  (or an actual spatula/scraper) to not leave anything.  This shows how distinctly unhealthy my relationship with food is- I need to know that I ate every single little last bit, whether I had room for it or not.  How satisfying is an 1/8th of a teaspoon of scraped mashed potatoes?  Physically, not very.  But mentally I feel like I need it somehow.   Same with food dropped on the floor or counter- I just feel like I have to eat it. Ick.  Again, though, I am grateful to say that though the temptation lingers, or I catch myself licking the ranch from the tablespoon I just measured it with before thinking, I'm relying on the Spirit to break this power food has over me.

All of these things have always seemed so normal to me.  I wonder if I'm not the only one who does these things?  The interesting thing about normal is that if you get ashamed about sharing it-- "normal" and common as you think it is for you, you fear judgment from others-- then even if everyone else does it that maybe the shame is a hint that it's not healthy.  Even if every person who reads my blog says all of this stuff is totally what they do (and I doubt it) I still think it proves that food and I have a very dysfunctional relationship.

Think about it- say, if you're married, you demanded every single little last bit of your husband's time, affection, and attention.  ALL OF THE TIME.  Don't you think it would wear on your marriage?  I know it would mine.

Anyway, enough rambling.  Day 3 went well.

Day 4, anyone?